It's Not Easy Being Gilgamesh
by Strife543
Summary: [Chapter 4 FINALLY added!] It's not easy being Final Fantasy's sole dimensional mercenary, and this story shows why. [Some Spoilers] [Humor]
1. Chapter I: Castle Woes

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gilgamesh, or any other Squarenix character portrayed in the following story. If I did, I'd be rich. But I don't, so I'm not. Sucks, don't it? Credit to the characters and places featured in this story go the Squarenix.**

**Chapter I: Castle Woes**

"Two pair." Gilgamesh said with a grin, slapping down a pair of cards, and moving to scoop up his winnings from the table top.

An emerald hand shot out and grasped his wrist. Enkidou smirked at him, his sharp fangs and flowing crimson hair made the smile that much more sinister. "Straight flush…" he told the warrior, quite triumphantly, before displaying the cards in his hand.

Sure enough, the demon did not lie. Throwing down his cards, Gilgamesh struck the table, rattling both the chips they played for, and the drinks they drank. "Hate this game…" he muttered with some contempt, which prompted more then a few snickers from the other warriors and demons with which they played.

Gilgamesh was in a sour mood. It had rained on his way in, stopping only once he had crossed the threshold of Exdeath's castle – Sure, he can rule half a planet, but he couldn't control the weather, some overlord – Which had left the warrior quite drenched. During his morning exercises, he had stumbled over his own feet and landed on his lord's flowing cape, which promptly tore it off him. Why they heck did he need such a big cape anyway? He already wore armor that could blind a man at fifty paces with its shine. And exactly what kind of evil overlord wore shiny silver armor anyway? Now, to top off his day, he'd just lost all the money he'd made pillaging last week. The one saving grace was that he'd lost to Enkidou, who usually ended up covering for him financially anyway.

"You're a little short there…" the green demon commented, tapping a claw on the table expectantly.

Gilgamesh snapped from his thoughts and glanced at him, "Oh come on, you know I'm good for it…" he murmured in a somewhat childlike voice.

Laughter seemed to erupt from the table all at once, and the man across from Gilgamesh, Gloff, slammed his mug down. "Aye, that's what yah said last week." He commented.

Silvia, the lillith, hissed her own laughter, "And the week before that and before that…" she chimed in.

Enkidou couldn't resist a small chuckle. Some friend he was… This was just an eternal humiliation that carried on week after week. How was it that he, Gilgamesh, great warrior to the dark lord Exdeath, could be beaten by something as trivial as… As playing cards!? It was infuriating! Gilgamesh rose from the table, his angered expression hidden by the scarlet scarf wrapped around his mouth and neck. "I don't have to stand for this!" he declared, turning so swiftly… That he stumbled over his chair.

The others howled with laughter, as the mercenary stormed off, both embarrassed and angry at the same time. Oh how his journal was going to hear about this! Before he reached his quarters, however, a great booming voice called his name. "Gilgamesh!"

The echo seemed to make the voice sound grander than it initially had been. The mercenary glanced around. Only one being had THAT voice. Exdeath had summoned him, and he could be sure it was some despicable, low quality job undeserving of a great warrior such as he. More than likely he was being called to clean up the mess he'd made in the eastern bathroom… Okay, so downing twenty eight beers while spinning in a circle wasn't the smartest thing he could have done to win a piece of gold, lesson learned. The warrior rushed down the central stairs, towards where Exdeath's voice had originated from. He desperately hoped this wouldn't be something trivial, like having to feed that monstrous… Thing that Exdeath had locked in the basement. It was the same emerald color that Enkidou was, but the similarities stopped there. After all, when Enkidou was pissed off he couldn't just bounce fire spells off himself at Gilgamesh. The damn monster had a real attitude problem… Of course, he probably would have had one too, had he had a bright shiny gem stuck to his head all the time.

"GILGAMESH!" Exdeath's voice boomed, much closer, and far angrier this time.

The mercenary grimaced. Great, now he was in trouble… Why the hell was Exdeath down in the dungeons anyway? Couldn't he have summoned him upstairs than WARPED to the dungeon? The man possessed flare for crying out loud; surely he could muster a simple warp spell! Gilgamesh raced by a set of cages, drawing ever closer to the dungeons where his master was… Or at least, he tried. As he dashed passed the second cell, a grey leg popped out between the bars, and tripped him. Gilgamesh fell forward, and rolled until he was flat on his back. The pain of the act in no way rivaled the embarrassment of it. From the sounds of the chittering laughter coming from the cell, it appeared that, in his haste, he'd moved too close to the holding cells… Again. Damn that goblin, he was going to pay for this… Tomorrow. Quickly leaping to his feet, the mercenary raced down the nearby flight of stairs.

When he FINALLY reached the basement dungeon, four floors beneath the entrance to the castle, Gilgamesh was very much out of breath, and staggered around the corner to see his master, lord Exdeath, tapping his foot impatiently. "Yes… Yes my lord?" the mercenary asked, managing a weak salute.

Exdeath was far from impressed. "What took you so long? Fall down the stairs again? Or perhaps the goblin tripped you? It's always one thing or another with you…" he accused angrily, before shaking his head.

"There was also the time he lost his lance, my lord." A slithering voice chimed in from behind Gilgamesh.

Exdeath looked up, and nodded, "Indeed. What was the reason for that blunder?" he asked the mercenary, who sheepishly looked at the floor.

"I… Uhh… Was practicing my throw technique…"

The one behind the mercenary stepped into view, it was a Garlyle. He was of the same breed as Enkidou, only that his skin was blue, and his hair green. "Did it perhaps occur to you that facing the ocean was NOT a smart idea?" he asked the mercenary.

Gilgamesh said nothing. "Did you bring the great mirror?" Exdeath asked Garlyle.

The demon looked hesitant. "Well?" the lord demanded, tapping his foot impatiently.

Garlyle stepped to one side, to reveal the great mirror… Full of cracks and sticky tape. Exdeath was livid, "What… What happened to it!?" he demanded.

Garlyle said nothing, and glanced at Gilgamesh. Exdeath followed his gaze to the mercenary, who was still reluctant to look up. "Well…?" the evil lord asked.

"It was dark…" Gilgamesh began…

"Gilgamesh…" Exdeath said, more sternly now.

"Well it's not my fault! Who leaves a big mirror in the middle of the kitchen anyway!?" the mercenary cried.

Exdeath frowned, "It was in the mirror room, like it always is…" he pointed out.

Gilgamesh tilted his head slightly, "Then how come there was a pantry in there…" he asked in wonder.

Exdeath stomped his foot, "That was a supply closet!" he exclaimed.

"I thought those snacks tasted kind of funny..."

"GILGAMESH!"

Finally, after several minutes of yelling, and much enjoyment on Garlyle's part, the demon pointed out that the mirror could still be used in its condition. "It picture will be a little fuzzy… But it should serve." He warned.

Exdeath nodded, and gestured to the three unconscious beings lying in the cell behind him. "Focus it on the three of them. That should get Galuf's attention… Ha ha…" the evil lord explained, before moving into one of his trademark evil laughs.

Gilgamesh rolled his eyes. That evil laugh was so last week. What was that one fellow's name? Kefka, yeah, now HE had an evil laugh. "Gilgamesh!" Exdeath called, snapping the mercenary from his thoughts.

"Sir?"

"Watch the three of them, and do NOT let them escape." He warned.

Gilgamesh nodded, Exdeath went on, "That means no taunting them, no challenging them, no talking to them period."

Gilgamesh looked hesitant for a moment, "What about…"

"No."

With Exdeath, Garlyle, and the mirror cleared from the room, Gilgamesh slumped against the wall next to the cell. Why did he have to get stuck on guard duty? After all, why couldn't that snob Garlyle do this crappy job? It wasn't as if Gilgamesh had nothing better to do. After all, he WAS a great warrior. There were always big battles to be fought by people like him, right? That's what the pamphlet said anyway. He once again cursed the fact that he'd based his career choice off a paper that came in the mail next to "Scratch here and you could win big!" … He still wondered how he ended up owing money to that lotto scratch card. Stupid financial loop holes. A pebble rolled into view, causing the mercenary to look up, he saw no one else… At least, not at first. Against the back wall, a shadow moved unnaturally, almost as if someone was trying to… Yes! Someone was trying to sneak in! Grasping his spear, Gilgamesh leapt to his feet in time to see the intruder run around the corner, sword drawn.

"Why if it isn't lord Galuf…" the mercenary greeted, rather cockily, as his spearhead clashed against the steel of his foes sword.

"I'm here for my friends. Stand aside." The aged man commanded.

Gilgamesh grinned, and spun his spear about, turning and moving in sync with the maneuver. By the time Galuf had swiped out with his sword, Gilgamesh's spear was ready to absorb the blow. The two broke off from one another, standing a good few feet apart. Galuf charged forward, and brought down his sword in an arc. Gilgamesh raised his spear to block and… CRACK! The shaft of the spear split in two, and the steel blade cut through it. Gilgamesh fell backwards onto the floor, and looked at the two pieces of his weapon in his hands. "No, no, no! That's not fair! I was supposed to win this time!" he cried.

Galuf, who had come to stand over him, stuck his sword into the ground beside him and pulled a book from behind him, seemingly out of thin air. "No… Says here you're supposed to lose. Then I rescue my friends, and we waltz out the front door." He explained.

Gilgamesh dropped the spear pieces and snatched up the book, he read over what Galuf had pointed out, "You're right… Well that doesn't make a whole lot of sense…" he muttered.

His opponent shrugged, took back the book and set to work unlocking the cell. "What can you do? Can't argue with the script." He point out, causing Gilgamesh to nod slowly.

Galuf had a point…

… Stupid script.


	2. Chapter II: One BIG Bridge

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gilgamesh, or any other Squarenix character portrayed in the following story. If I did, I'd be rich. But I don't, so I'm not. Sucks, don't it? Credit to the characters and places featured in this story go the Squarenix.**

**Chapter II: One BIG Bridge**

Seven hours. Seven LONG hours. That is how long Gilgamesh had been stuck behind the door. Galuf's victory in Exdeath's castle had prompted the mercenary to take immediate action, and rush to the one spot the comrades HAD to go; Big Bridge. It was the only way to reach castle Bal, the kingdom ruled over by Galuf. Gilgamesh had positioned himself behind the door roughly halfway across the big bridge. It had originally been used as a toll boot, or so they said. Gilgamesh found it rather hard to belief. Who in their right mind would have paid to use this bridge? Sure, a catchy tune seemed to emanate from the structure, but aside from that… Nevertheless, this was where he waited… And waited… And waited. Just WHAT was taking them so long anyway?

Gilgamesh, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room, looked to be in a state of mediation… Until he flicked his wrist forward. A playing card flew from his hand, and landed just before him, beside an overturned hat. "Damn." The mercenary muttered, repeating the action with another card, and coming no closer to success.

"Damn."

He threw another card, this time slightly to the left, as all the cards seemed to land just to the right of the hat. This card landed beyond the hat. "Damn."

Tilting his hand, he tried once more, "Damn."

Muttering a curse under his breath, Gilgamesh grew tired of the repeated failures, and decided to try something that was SURE to succeed; he threw the remaining twenty two cards all at once at the hat.

"Damn."

Kicking out with his foot, Gilgamesh knocked the hat over, spilling over the sole card that he'd succeeded in landing within the hat. And that was by sheer fluke. Apparently, sneezing on a card, and letting the resulting blow carry the card was lucky… Or something. Muttering, Gilgamesh rose to his feet, and picked up his spear, which had been laid beside him. It was similar to the one Galuf had broken; only this one was better suited for jumping attacks. That information pleased Gilgamesh, for he was rather anxious to try and mimic the fabled dragoon jump… If only those four would show up! The mercenary rummaged through his bag of belongings, before pulling out a thick book. It was something Exdeath had demanded he read. A book of spells, bah, what good did that do a great warrior like him anyway? Still, it wouldn't hurt to have a look… He opened the book to a page about mid way through.

A puff of black smoke erupted from the books pages, covering the mercenary's face in black soot. Gilgamesh blinked a few times, before wiping his face clear and examining the now open book. "I didn't know the Ninja's smoke ability came from a book…" he commented, before flipping ahead a few more pages.

This time, when he stopped, he literally stopped. The words on the page were an incantation of sorts; follow by – In bold lettering – The word "Stop". Well, this was a fine mess… Rendered immobile by a book. Good thing no one was around to see this… Or at least, that's what he thought… A small giggle came from the doorway, and continued until the effects of the spell wore off. "You certainly have a way with literature, sir Gilgamesh." The monster commented, as Gilgamesh turned to see who it was.

It was one of the sentries he'd brought with him to guard the bridge and watch for Galuf and his friends. The monster resembled a large reddish cat, with lavender wings sprouting from his shoulders. The wings were rather small, yet they were able to keep the monster – The Gaelicat – Aloft rather well. "Yes… Well… I just wanted to humor the book, yeah." The mercenary stammered.

The Gaelicat tilted its head inquisitively, "Humor a book, sir?"

"Shut up."

The Gaelicat raised a pay to its mouth and snickered. The others were right; this Gilgamesh really was a joke. "Do you want something?" Gilgamesh asked, rather embarrassed at being caught in his last predicament.

The Gaelicat nodded its furred head, "Galuf has been sighted, and he'll be here shortly."

Gilgamesh let out a sigh of relief. "What took so long anyway?" he asked.

"They were training." The cat-like monster said simply.

"Training?"

"Yes sir." The Gaelicat nodded.

"For SEVEN hours?" Gilgamesh asked in disbelief.

"Well, AP is hard to get in this area…" Was the only explanation the mercenary he received, before the Gaelicat excused itself from the room.

It just HAD to tell the others about this!

Another half hour passed, and Gilgamesh found himself pacing about the room. Why had he chosen to ambush them here anyway? Surely waiting and jumping them at the castle gates would have worked just fine, right? The mercenary tensed as a realization struck, Exdeath's barrier! It was almost completed! But… But where did that leave him? He was out here on the bridge, and would be stuck out of the castle if that barrier went up! Frantically, he scooped up his spear, rushed to the door and… Slammed straight into Bartz. The crystal warrior rubbed his head, as Gilgamesh's armor had struck him rather hard. "You!" Galuf exclaimed, causing Gilgamesh to look.

Great, NOW they showed up… "Out of the way! I'm in a hurry!" the mercenary demanded.

The crystal warriors drew their weapons.

"Damn."

Fighting against four people by himself did not sit well with Gilgamesh. Really, how was he expected to unleash his full power against people so weak they had to ambush him as a group? At least, that's what he continually assured himself. As it stood, that Bartz fellow was dangerous with a spear, and Gilgamesh found himself constantly avoiding dragoon jump attacks. Galuf seemed to have taken up a new trade and was… Dancing? And people called HIM weird. At least the odd movements of the old man were ineffective… Well, not counting the feeling of sickness he felt while watching the dance. An old dancer was defiantly NOT something he banked on seeing today. A large, decorative coin slammed into the mercenary's chest, sending him staggering backwards. That Faris woman really fought to win. Look at all the money she was wasting by chucking it around! Gilgamesh had no idea how she could be such a spendthrift… Nor did he have any idea how much money hurt. "Come forth, Titan!" Lenna, the final crystal warrior, cried, holding her arms up in the air.

The behemoth of a man appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and stepped towards me, cracking his knuckles as he drew nearer.

"Damn."

Needless to say, the minutes that followed were ones best left unnoted. Gilgamesh received severe thrashing from the earth spirit, before the summon was dismissed. Positioned up against the wall, Gilgamesh rubbed his aching head as the four crystal warriors moved on ahead, leaving him to think about this defeat… At least, that's what they'd said before Titan threw him against the wall, and vanished. Aching all over, Gilgamesh struggled to rise to his feet. His spell book, which had been on the floor for the duration of the fight, he quickly scooped up. There was no time to run back to the castle. Where was that warp spell… Ah ha! Here it was! "Wrap!" Gilgamesh cried, realizing his folly a second later.

All at once, his movements slowed. "What the… This isn't time magic, is it?" he wondered aloud, glancing at the book.

Near the bottom of the page was a footnote; "Caution: Do not mistake for the spell "Warp". Wrap is merely the Slow spell with a poorly translated name. Got a problem, blame the rom makers." It read.

Gilgamesh dropped the book, and hung his head.

"Damn."


	3. Chapter III: Ship Struggle

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gilgamesh, or any other Squarenix character portrayed in the following story. If I did, I'd be rich. But I don't, so I'm not. Sucks, don't it? Credit to the characters and places featured in this story go the Squarenix.**

**Chapter III: Ship Struggle**

"I'm cold!" Gilgamesh bitterly complained, for the third time in the past two minutes.

Enkidou glanced over his shoulder at him momentarily, before shaking his head, "Heard you the first time… And the second…" he commented, before focusing on the path ahead.

Gilgamesh muttered something under his breath. "Why did WE get stuck with this lousy assignment anyway?"

Three gobbledecks accompanied the mercenary and demon, and each of them looked at Gilgamesh with their own answer. "Because you botched up on the Big Bridge."

"Because lord Exdeath doesn't like you."

"Because you stink."

Gilgamesh eyed all three irritably. "I did NOT botch up the… Wait, he doesn't like… I DO NOT STINK!" he proclaimed, trying in vain to respond to each three in the same unison they had used to answer him.

Enkidou stifled a small laugh, Gilgamesh raised and arm and sniffed beneath, before shooting a glare out at the others, "See!?"

Enkidou shook his head, "Not what they meant…" Gilgamesh blinked, rather dumbfounded.

Roughly ten minutes passed, Gilgamesh let out a sneeze. Wiping his nose off on his sleeve, he took up muttering again, "Too damn cold…"

Enkidou continued forward, seemingly paying no heed to his companion. The nearest gobbledeck tilted its head slightly, "You could always try using those sneezes as a weapon? Like that one fellow…" he suggested, looking thoughtful for a moment.

Another gobbledeck reached over and swatted at it, "Idiot! You have to be a ghost for that to work!"

"And on fire!" the third chimed in.

The first glared at the others, before leaping towards them in a rather comical looking tackle. The three gobbledecks engaged in such a silly combat, that even Gilgamesh – Usually amused by such things – Turned away, shaking his head. "Exactly WHY did we bring them along again?" he asked.

Enkidou shrugged, "Same reason you were sent I'd gather." He smugly replied.

Gilgamesh nodded his head slightly, before the green-skinned demon's words sunk in. "HEY!"

After pulling the three gobbledecks off each other, Gilgamesh and Enkidou led the trio to the shoreline. An early morning fog had rolled in, cloaking their approach. Gilgamesh squinted to make out the large shapes out on the water; ships. A whole fleet of them. They bore the emblem of king Xezat, one of the four warriors of dawn, like Galuf. "There they are…" Enkidou murmured, nodding at the ships.

Gilgamesh tilted his head slightly, "So… What, do we warp over there?" he asked.

The green demon hung his head, "No, I figured we could swim out there and ask to be brought aboard. OF COURSE WE WARP!" he exclaimed, pointing out the immense stupidity of the mercenary's question.

Gilgamesh frowned slightly, before opening his book, and flipping through it. He'd nearly found the page when Enkidou snatched it away. "I'd best do the casting…" he muttered.

Gilgamesh scowled, "And just why is that?" he asked.

"Remember what happened last time?"

"That was an honest mistake. I thought it said warp!" the mercenary shot back.

"Uh huh, and the time before that?" questioned the demon.

"HEY! It is NOT my fault that they stuck fire next to cure in the spell book!" the mercenary exclaimed with a stomp of his foot.

Enkidou gave him a blank stare and examined the book. The green demon flipped through a few pages, before he found what he sought. "Here we are…" Enkidou murmured the spell, before raising one clawed hand and proclaiming, "Warp!"

In an instant, he, Gilgamesh, and the three gobbledecks vanished. When Gilgamesh next opened his eyes, he was greeted by a most unfriendly sight. Enemy soldiers, lots of them, had surrounded the group. "Crap…" he murmured.

Enkidou threw the book to the deck and rushed forward, slamming into two soldiers, and knocking one of the hapless pair overboard. The second fell onto his back in a dazed state. The gobbledecks, chittering madly, rushed forward to engage the enemy, while two other soldiers converged on Gilgamesh. The mercenary grinned, "Ha! Prepare to taste my power!" he exclaimed, which caused both soldiers to stop and give him odd looks.

The mercenary shook his head and drew his spear, "Shut up, shut up! I didn't mean it that way!"

For having been beaten – Rather easily – By the crystal warriors in the passed, Gilgamesh proved to be an exceptional fighter against those unaided by the light. When one soldier struck out, Gilgamesh avoided and struck the other. This system had worked until one of the soldiers had fallen. The remaining one slashed downwards with his blade. Gilgamesh raised his spear and blocked with the shaft. When the blade sunk into the metal spear shaft, the mercenary kicked out with on swift motion and struck the soldier square in the chest, knocking him overboard. "Gilgamesh!" a voice cried, one of some familiarity.

The mercenary turned his head to see Bartz, and his friends, rushing towards him. Throwing his spear to the deck of the ship, Gilgamesh gestured towards them, "Oh come ON! You four, again?" he cried out.

Bartz grinned, and took up his spear. The mercenary readied his own… Wait, where DID his spear go? He quickly looked around, but could not locate it. Faris coughed, drawing his attention to her… Where she held a familiar weapon, in a rather cocky manner. Lousy thieves…

Weaponless, Gilgamesh took a step back. Some commotion from the ship to the right drew all attention there. King Xezat was being pursued by one of the gobbledecks. Xezat leaped away to avoid one attack, and raised his sword. A lightning bolt struck the poor gobbledeck, which promptly fell over. And twitched. With a savage cry, Enkidou dropped from the sky, and slammed into Xezat with his wings. The swordsman, though powerful, did not anticipate the attack, and collapsed. "Xezat!" Galuf cried, rushing to the side of the ship and leaping to the next to help his friend.

Bartz's spear cut through the air just before Gilgamesh, quickly reminding the mercenary that he was still very much in a fight. And still very much weaponless. Continuing to back up, the mercenary's foot struck something metal, causing his gaze to shift down. A sword! It belonged to one of the soldiers and… And he'd stepped on it! Clutching his foot, Gilgamesh cried out in pain. "Ow, ow, ow!" he exclaimed, tipping over to one side.

Flailing his arms about to try and stabilize his balance, the mercenary managed to strike Bartz, who had drawn to close. Gilgamesh fell, and landed beside the blade. Promptly seizing the weapon, he held it out towards Leena and Faris, trying to cut an intimidating figure, despite being injured. From the way they continued towards him, chances were good it didn't work. However, a familiar rush of air from behind signaled that Enkidou had landed. "Took you long enough. First aid please!" the mercenary called.

"Sorry, the old man gave me some trouble…" the demon muttered, before chanting a spell.

A silvery gust of wind enveloped Gilgamesh, and the mercenary stood once more. "Ah ha!" he cried, jumping towards Leena.

The pink haired girl was surprisingly quick, and shifted to one side, allowing the blade to pass harmlessly by. Quickly, the jabbed out with her elbow, and caught Gilgamesh square in the chest, driving him back. From summoner to monk, what DIDN'T those crystals do? Enkidou pulled Gilgamesh to his feet, before rushing passed him. His sharp claws clanged against the thin blade of Faris. Still dressed in the attire of a samurai, the lavender haired woman put up quite a fight against the experienced demon. With her sword, she could not seem to land a blow. With a quick gesture, however, a large coin struck Enkidou, winding him. Without hesitating a moment, Faris ran her blade through him. "Enkidou!" Gilgamesh cried in disbelief.

The demon had been slain. Then what chance did HE have? A quick look around showed Gilgamesh that none of the gobbledecks remained. The mercenary ran towards the front of the ship, stopping just short of the end. Bartz, rushing passed Leena and Faris, struck out with his spear. Gilgamesh spun about, and grasped the end, making sure not to accidentally grab the spearhead… Like he'd been known to do in the past. Ripping it free from Bartz's grasp, the mercenary spun it about to use for himself. Pointing the spear at Bartz, the mercenary grinned, "Ah ha!" he cried…

Before a one eyed demon appeared before him. Its bluish grey fur did little to distract the mercenary from its crimson, pulsing eye. In the blink of an eye – Quite literally – Gilgamesh was unable to move a muscle. Approaching the now statue-esque Gilgamesh, Bartz, took back his spear, before tapping his finger against the mercenary's head, and tipping him off the deck. The ability to petrify was something to marvel at. Not only did it turn people to stone, but it also made them incredibly light. As he fell into the ocean, and quickly sunk – Hey, he's light, but still rock – Gilgamesh could think of only one thing.

Exdeath was NOT going to like this…


	4. Chapter IV: Excali Wha?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gilgamesh, or any other Squarenix character portrayed in the following story. If I did, I'd be rich. But I don't, so I'm not. Sucks, don't it? Credit to the characters and places featured in this story go the Squarenix.**

**Chapter IV: Excali… Wha?**

"Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, MINE!" Gilgamesh happily declared, running back and forth across the large, near-barren room.

In his hands, he held a truly magnificent weapon. Excalibur; sword of light. Slayer of demons. Cutter of… Cut-able stuff. And it was his! All his! Ex-death MUST have left this weapon here for him, as a token of good faith and support in his devout follower. The mercenary, this time, would NOT disappoint him.

"Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, MINE!"

Making another quick lap around the room, the mercenary swerved quickly to avoid slamming into one of the support pillars. So distracted by the weapon in his hands, he failed to notice the SECOND pillar… And promptly struck it, full on. Excalibur clanged against the floor, undamaged… But the same could not be said for Gilgamesh.

After prying himself off the wall – Not to mention checking the area to see if anyone had seen his clumsiness – the mercenary retrieved his new weapon and swung it about in some crude form of practice. "I can't believe master Ex-death gave this to me! And after that stint aboard the battleship, no less." He commented to no one in particular.

That certainly was a mishap to remember. After Xezat's naval force had departed, Ex-death's aquatic demons had dived down to retrieve the stoned – As they put it. Jerks. – mercenary. For awhile, Ex-death left him in such a state, to the delight of Garlyle, who proceeded to dress the helpless stone figure in a variety of freakishly horrid clothing, unbefitting of a warrior of his caliber… Not to mention the times they used him as a dart board. He was unable to feel anything, but that did not stop him from realizing what was going on.

Finally, he was freed, and begged on hand and knee for Ex-death to give him one last chance. Though the dark lord was still quite furious with the mercenary, he agreed. "Can't screw up this time… I just can't!" Gilgamesh told himself.

He swung out with the weapon again, slashing through some unseen foe. He leapt forward, cleaving through two more, shouting and crying for all he was worth like a man possessed… Anyone walking by would have thought he'd injured himself. Again. "I'm going to show them… Gonna show them all! I'm not worthless… I'm not usele-AH!"

With a resounding "Thud", Gilgamesh struck the floor face first, proving once more that fancy, unbalanced footwork, and inconveniently placed open boxes, did not make a good combination. With a whimper, Gilgamesh rose to his feet, "Every… Single… Time…" he murmured, glaring daggers at the box… And feeling quite unnerved when he was sure it glared back.

Slamming the lid shut, the mercenary stomped to the far end of the room, and up the waiting flight of stairs. Ex-death was not far ahead, and if those meddlesome light warriors wanted to get to him, they had to get through Gilgamesh. Positioning himself in the darkness of the doorway atop the stairs, the mercenary waited… "Like all good heroes, they should go right for that closed box… I wonder why that is…" he commented with a bewildered frown.

An hour passed, and still Gilgamesh waited. "Training again I bet… Stupid cowardly light warriors."

The second hour cruised by with still no signs of the warriors, "What's taking so long? This castle isn't THAT complicated… Maybe they ran into that green thing in the basement… Yeah. That's gotta be it."

The mercenary nodded. Yes, that shield-generating creature in the basement… Maybe even now it was feasting on those four… Gilgamesh grinned at the thought. "Maybe now I won't get stuck feeding it for awhile…"

Another hour, another crazy theory. "Maybe they're on some other world… They have those, don't they?"

When at last the four DID appear, Gilgamesh did a double take. Where was the old man? Where was Galuf? From the first moment he was defeated by the older warrior, Gilgamesh craved his vengeance. To be bested so easily… And because of a stupid book? No! That would not stand! So where was Galuf now? "Where is that – Oh, they're opening the box… Hehehe…" the mercenary stifled a childlike giggle.

'Man up Gilgamesh, man up.'

"What gives!?" cried Bartz, slamming the chest's lid shut with much indignation.

Lenna smiled lightly and shook her head, "It may be empty, but at least it wasn't a trap?" she offered.

Bartz grumbled, unmoved by the sentiments. Gilgamesh studied the four from his hiding spot. In place of Galuf was… His granddaughter? Why the heck was SHE here? Did the old man finally snap his back? Or break a hip? Or, or… Have some other generic old man mishap befall him? "Guess those crystals don't come with a health plan…"

Still muttering about being cheated out of some great treasure, Bartz lead his party towards the stairs where Gilgamesh waited. The mercenary grinned, and began to rise. This was it! This was – 'AH! LEG CRAMP!' Gilgamesh's mind screamed at him.

With an unintentional stumble forward, the mercenary tumbled down the stairs, ending up in a very unthreatening… Heap of warrior.

The resounding laughter and giggling from above him prompted Gilgamesh to leap to his feet, yelling, once more, for all he was worth. "Ha!"

Silence… The echo from his un-amazing cry having dwindled to nothing, the mercenary grinned somewhat. Unsure of how to break the awkward silence he had initiated.

"So… Um… Fight now?" Bartz asked, almost as unsure as Gilgamesh was.

The mercenary was silent, looking at his feet for several moments, before glancing behind him, up the stairs. Mustering up as innocent a look as he could, he questioned no one in particular, "Line?"

"Say, "I've taken what's inside the box!"" A voice called back down.

Gilgamesh snapped to attention and faced his adversaries, his confidence having returned in full force. "Ah ha! I've taken what's inside the box!" he declared dramatically.

Krile giggled again, "Yeah… We know…"

The mercenary's grin faded momentarily, before he raised his sword and it returned anew. Bartz raised his… Axe? What the? No spear this time? It was only now that Gilgamesh realized that the normally armored warrior was… Draped in hides. Carrying a sharp axe… With a look of bloodlust in his eyes… Oh dear. Bartz's axe slammed down toward Gilgamesh, who raised his sword to block. Excalibur held strong and repelled the attack. The mercenary darted off to the side and spun about beckoning the others to follow him.

Leena's staff spun in her hands as the pink haired woman began to chant. Terrific, she was STILL a summoner… Hadn't she ever heard of being original? Even Faris was a… What WAS she? Some kind of hermit? She was dressed in heavy clothing, complete with a hat that nearly covered her face… And why was she carrying around a BELL anyway?

Bartz swung again, only to be stopped the same way. What Gilgamesh failed to realize, however, was the literal wave of fire rushing towards him. The berserker light warrior leapt back to avoid the blaze, but Gilgamesh was caught full on. "OW! HOT, HOT, HOT!" he cried, flailing his arms around and running in a circle.

Krile giggled again, her petite wizard's cap sliding down over her face in the process. Gilgamesh stopped his running and glared at them, "You're NOT gonna make a fool out of me this time!" he cried adamantly.

Leena raised her staff, "Carbunkle!" she cried.

In a brilliant flash of light, a great emerald beast appeared before Gilgamesh, snarling viciously at him. The mercenary stepped back, "Oh… Uhh… Hi… Green… Thingy…" he nervously murmured, knowing the creature all to well.

This time, however, the pink haired woman had NOT summoned something to cause the mercenary a massive amount of pain in some embarrassing manner. Carbunkle turned to face the warriors, and as it did so, its appearance shifted and changed, until it was no more then a… A weird bunny thing. Though still very much green, the summoned creature had lost all of its intimidating features. The ruby crystal on its forehead flashed once, and the light warriors became bathed in its light. "Oh… It's just reflect… That's not so bad…" Gilgamesh murmured.

Carbunkle turned its head to face him, its face regaining the terrifying features it had moments ago. With a piercing glare, the creature vanished, and the light warriors converged on the lone mercenary. "So… Uhh… Where's that old fellow at?"

They stopped, the youngest of them sniffling even. The young girl seemed to be fighting off the urge to cry, "Ex-death… He…" she began.

She needed to go no further, for the mercenary understood. He nodded his head slowly, more then a little saddened. HE was supposed to beat Galuf. Not Ex-death! It was supposed to be a climactic finish! Why didn't that lousy script ever work in HIS favor anyway!? Bartz coughed, reminding the mercenary that they still had business to finish.

Gilgamesh shook his head, clearing his thoughts, "Erm, right! That's the end of my warm up… And I didn't mean getting set on fire either." He declared, prompting another round of laughter.

It started slowly, with Gilgamesh turning, spinning on his heel, before gradually speeding up, and speeding up and… You get the picture. He spun for several moments, before it finally came to a stop. Standing before the light warriors now was a very different – And very dizzy – Gilgamesh.

Bartz's eyes widened, "What the…"

The mercenary grinned, "Oh yes. I'm THAT good." He declared without a hint of modesty.

"Why four arms? You only have ONE sword."

Gilgamesh glanced at Faris, and raised the Excalibur. "I only need ONE sword to defeat the likes of you! Ha!" he exclaimed, leaping forward with a sudden burst of speed.

However, something strange happened. The moment the blade struck Faris' arm – The Geomancer lacking the reflexes she possessed as a Samurai or Thief – It simply… Bounced off. Gilgamesh stood dumbfounded, staring at the sword for a moment, before swinging again, only to be met with the same result. "It's like… Rubber." He finally managed.

Leena, unafraid of the mercenary's odd weapon strode forward and examined it. "Excalipur." She read.

Gilgamesh followed her gaze to the blade of the weapon. Sure enough, the inscription read, "Excalipur." With additional text below it in finer print. "Not to be confused with Excalibur. Mistaking the two can result in royal ass kicking. Please see physician if said whooping occurs."

"GILGAMESH!" boomed Ex-death's voice, echoing more the once around the room.

The five occupants looked around, unsure of where the voice had come from. "Ma… Master?" the mercenary asked, knowing already that this was NOT going to be good.

"You're worthless, you bumbling buffoon! Unable to defeat even one of those four!"

Gilgamesh stomped his foot adamantly, "Why did you even GIVE me this sword!?" he cried out.

Ex-death, seemingly ignoring his minion's question, continued. "To the Cleft of Dimensions with you!"

The mercenary's face was one of pure shock and horror. "N… No! No! Anything but that!" he cried, very much terrified.

The dark lord spoke no more. The area around Gilgamesh began to warp, drawing him in piece by piece, until there was no more. The only thing remaining of the mercenary was a long drawn out cry.

Bartz glanced at his companions, "So… We getting experience for this, or what?"

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**Author's Note: Sorry, sorry, SORRY for the huge delay on this. I tried to make it extra long to make up for it . **


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